


I am not broken

by Lokisgame



Series: To have and to hold [1]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, F/M, Journal, Post-I Want to Believe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 21:53:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8030179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lokisgame/pseuds/Lokisgame
Summary: I can change, but who do you want me to be"Stranger things have happened" Foo Fighters





	I am not broken

I don't need to be fixed, just as you don't need to be saved. I may be obsessive, I may be secretive, I may hold on to things but I am not broken. This is who I am. I know it's not easy.  
I know.

I’ve been locked up in this house for years and my mind festered, I needed The Work. I didn't bring the darkness to our home; it was always there inside me. You just seem to have forgotten. You made a life for yourself, you're fine. You have Your Work (one I truly admire), the hospital, routine to hold on to, new challenges. I sit here digging through news feeds, collecting newspaper clippings and doing what? What doest it mean in the grand scheme of things?

When we worked with the bureau I felt that what we did made a difference. Together we made a difference in the world, even if it didn't mean that much in the end, saving the world one case at a time (messiah complex, I’m profiling myself this days). You got that feeling back, what did I get? After 8 years of searching, I found the greatest truth of them all, I found us, without you I’d probably be dead by now, but that thought has become like the sun to me, it's there. It gives me the will to get up in the morning, waking up beside you, but I’m only human, forgive me if this sounds like I’m taking you for granted but the thing is, I can't keep living vicariously through you. I can cook, and clean and take care of the house and chop wood all day long, but it's not me, it's just a part, a new and cherished one, one you made me discover alongside many others over the years. But as I stopped swimming, I slowly started to drown. Now I think we need to be back in the open waters. 

Maybe one day I will do as you say, write a book and spend nights by the fire, but now is not that time. I need to be out there, I need to feel like myself again and I refuse to believe you no longer feel up for it. We did messy relationship for years and you always had my back, now I need you to believe in me once again. What I did was stupid, careless and reckless, but it made me feel alive again. It hurt, and it made my blood race in that old familiar way, so much that I almost forgot that I’m not alone anymore. It was a rush, but the moment I lay in that barn watching the axe post I realized that without you I’m dead. Without you I’d be dead a thousand times over.

I need it both, I need that thrill of the chase and I need you, to remember to look under my feet, to see the cliff, you always look ahead Scully, for both of us. You saw this coming, you tried to stop me, warn me, and now I see it too. Please don't make me choose. Let me, no, HELP ME find a way to make this work for both of us. They tried to destroy us a million times, let's not do their work for them. I need you to know that I love you, I feel like it's your heartbeat that is pumping the blood through my veins. You're keeping me alive. Don't give me back my heart. I wouldn't know what to do with it after all these years. Keep it, I don't want it. 

I'm scared Scully, you're scarring me. Have I finally driven you away? How can I take us back to when we were happy? We can't have William back, but there must have been a time when we were happy despite that. Were you? Did I ever make you happy, after he was gone? I may never understand what you felt that day, because I’m not as strong as you are. I could never give you up, not even to protect you, don't ask me, don't make me, the very thought of you...  
NO, my brain freezes at the thought, it short circuited there for a moment. My heart is the fail safe denying my brain the energy to even contemplate a vision of my life without you. Not to be able to feel you, even from a distance, to call you, speak to you? To imagine distancing myself from you, you from me, I know I’m not that strong. We both know for a fact, that not even death could keep me from you, although I had a little help with that and I wasn't entirely dead, but you get my point. This thought gives me only a vague image of what you must be going through every day with William gone, and I am not that strong. Please forgive me for adding to your burden, I should be the one helping you bear it. Please let me in, let me help you, guide me, just don't leave me alone with my heart. 

What happened to us?  
There was a time when I was able to tell you these things face to face. I feel like I failed you. Failed to protect you from myself. Now I have no right to ask for anything from you. I have nothing else to give, but myself. I can't give you the truth, not any new ones at least. I can't give you happiness, I don't know how anymore. More and more I feel unworthy. A broken man, with nothing left to lose. Nothing but you. Maybe you're right, maybe I am broken after all.

Can you fix me Doc? One last time?


End file.
